[Like the new layout? I thought the ol' blog could use a makeover in hopes of making me more excited to update it. We'll see how that works out.]
Instead, I'm talking life. Five papers and two final exams in the next three weeks. Oh, and have I mentioned the five papers I have turned in over the past two weeks? That's right: madness.
Although we're not doing quite as much "introspective" work per se this term, I feel a lot heavier now than I remember feeling at the end of last term. Tensions feel higher and the weight of it all feels more difficult to carry. Although I don't have quite as many suitcases this time around, it's as if the ones I do have have been packed fuller.
The cool thing is that I can feel myself leaning into this difficulty, into the work. I'm used to just shutting down when things get hard or just when I feel overwhelmed with work. I just shut down and turn on autopilot to get me across the finish line. But I'm trying my damnedest to keep my head in the game; to remember that this education is not just about the grade, not just about the work or even the degree. I could have stayed in North Carolina and gotten a degree really easily, avoiding all of this internal exposure crap. But I didn't uproot my life just to get a degree. This is worth so much more, so much more is at stake. When I can remember that, as I'm yawning through long shifts at the triple-B or staying up to write yet another paper, I can actually feel a push. A push toward something greater, more significant than just a diploma in a frame.
Let me tell you though, it's so much easier said than done. But it's possible.
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